{ "data": { "id": 4, "title": "Basic Alan", "slug": "episode-4-basic-alan", "episode_number": 4, "episode_code": "S01E04", "overview": "Since Alan is the only guest at the Linton Travel Tavern, the manager decides to close it for refurbishment, leaving Alan at a loose end.", "description": "With the Linton Travel Tavern closed for redecoration, Alan is the only guest. Bored out of his brain, he tries to find ways to occupy himself, including buying tungsten-tipped screws he has no intention of using, walking along the dual carriageway to buy windscreen washer fluid from a petrol station and dismantling the trouser press in his hotel room.", "first_aired": "1997-11-24T00:00:00.000Z", "intro_image_url": null, "series": { "id": 1, "title": "I'm Alan Partridge: Series 1", "slug": "series-1", "series_number": 1, "series_code": "S01", "programme": { "id": 1, "title": "I'm Alan Partridge", "slug": "im-alan-partridge", "links": { "self": "https://alanpartridgescripts.co.uk/api/v1/programmes/im-alan-partridge" } }, "links": { "self": "https://alanpartridgescripts.co.uk/api/v1/series/im-alan-partridge/series-1", "web": "https://alanpartridgescripts.co.uk/im-alan-partridge/series-1" } }, "scenes": [ { "id": 61, "title": "Alan is finishing his morning show and introduces his listeners to his new comedy character, Camp David", "order_in_episode": 1, "image_url": null, "lines": [ { "id": 950, "line_number": 1, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": "to his listeners", "text": "That was one of the biggest stadium bands in the world… R-E-O Speedwagon. And the time for those who like to tell it in a slightly wacky way, is fifty to six! Or, if you like to develop the idea, seventy past four! Or even… _[Works out the time on a calculator]_ Bear with me. One thousand, two hundred and thirty to twelve! I'm joking of course. But the time is ten past five. Let's say hello to my new comedy character — Camp David. Hello Camp David!", "dialogue": "That was one of the biggest stadium bands in the world… R-E-O Speedwagon. And the time for those who like to tell it in a slightly wacky way, is fifty to six! Or, if you like to develop the idea, seventy past four! Or even… [Works out the time on a calculator] Bear with me. One thousand, two hundred and thirty to twelve! I'm joking of course. But the time is ten past five. Let's say hello to my new comedy character — Camp David. Hello Camp David!" }, { "id": 951, "line_number": 2, "character": { "id": 41, "first_name": "Camp David", "last_name": null, "full_name": "Camp David" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Well, hello, Alan.", "dialogue": "Well, hello, Alan." }, { "id": 952, "line_number": 3, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "And err, what did you have for breakfast this morning?", "dialogue": "And err, what did you have for breakfast this morning?" }, { "id": 953, "line_number": 4, "character": { "id": 41, "first_name": "Camp David", "last_name": null, "full_name": "Camp David" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Oooh, mince!", "dialogue": "Oooh, mince!" }, { "id": 954, "line_number": 5, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Oooh mmm, yes, indeed! More from Camp David tomorrow. The time is… let's not get bogged down in the time again. Simply time to say, ruddy hell, it's Soft Cell.", "dialogue": "Oooh mmm, yes, indeed! More from Camp David tomorrow. The time is… let's not get bogged down in the time again. Simply time to say, ruddy hell, it's Soft Cell." } ] }, { "id": 62, "title": "The scene opens with a shot of the Travel Tavern lift doors and you can hear Alan singing the Kate Bush song, \"Wuthering Heights\" on his way down to reception", "order_in_episode": 2, "image_url": null, "lines": [ { "id": 955, "line_number": 1, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Out on a winding windy moor, we roll and fall in green. You had a temper, like my jealousy too hot, too greedy. How could you leave me, when I needed you? Possessed you, I hated you, I loved you too.", "dialogue": "Out on a winding windy moor, we roll and fall in green. You had a temper, like my jealousy too hot, too greedy. How could you leave me, when I needed you? Possessed you, I hated you, I loved you too." }, { "id": 956, "line_number": 2, "character": { "id": 5, "first_name": "Susan", "last_name": "Foster", "full_name": "Susan Foster" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Bad dreams in the night, you told me I was going to lose…", "dialogue": "Bad dreams in the night, you told me I was going to lose…" }, { "id": 957, "line_number": 3, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. That is extraordinary. I mean. To look at you, you'd think you'd sing like an angel. But in actual fact you sound like a trapped boy.", "dialogue": "Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. That is extraordinary. I mean. To look at you, you'd think you'd sing like an angel. But in actual fact you sound like a trapped boy." }, { "id": 958, "line_number": 4, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "What a lovely smile. You could have been throwing up all night for all I know, and yet, your smile wouldn't show it. I dunno, perhaps that's how you keep your figure? You could tell me anything with that smile and it would seem like, Christmas.", "dialogue": "What a lovely smile. You could have been throwing up all night for all I know, and yet, your smile wouldn't show it. I dunno, perhaps that's how you keep your figure? You could tell me anything with that smile and it would seem like, Christmas." }, { "id": 959, "line_number": 5, "character": { "id": 5, "first_name": "Susan", "last_name": "Foster", "full_name": "Susan Foster" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Well, we are having some major repairs done to the lobby, so I'm afraid all this is going to be out of bounds for the weekend. We decided to go ahead seeing as you were the only guest staying in the hotel.", "dialogue": "Well, we are having some major repairs done to the lobby, so I'm afraid all this is going to be out of bounds for the weekend. We decided to go ahead seeing as you were the only guest staying in the hotel." }, { "id": 960, "line_number": 6, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Ding dong merrily on high, in heav'n the bells are ringing.", "dialogue": "Ding dong merrily on high, in heav'n the bells are ringing." }, { "id": 961, "line_number": 7, "character": { "id": 5, "first_name": "Susan", "last_name": "Foster", "full_name": "Susan Foster" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Ding dong merrily on…", "dialogue": "Ding dong merrily on…" }, { "id": 962, "line_number": 8, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Don't sing, Susan! It sounds baaaaad! Just stick to your smile. It's a lovely smile. You know, with that you could work on the Titanic. You could say \"I'm terribly sorry, we've run out of life jackets\". And people wouldn't mind, they'd say, \"Thank you for the information. I'll take my chances. Can I get a coffee? Presumably the buffet is a bit of a free-for-all. Does the rule about women and children first…\"", "dialogue": "Don't sing, Susan! It sounds baaaaad! Just stick to your smile. It's a lovely smile. You know, with that you could work on the Titanic. You could say \"I'm terribly sorry, we've run out of life jackets\". And people wouldn't mind, they'd say, \"Thank you for the information. I'll take my chances. Can I get a coffee? Presumably the buffet is a bit of a free-for-all. Does the rule about women and children first…\"" }, { "id": 963, "line_number": 9, "character": { "id": 5, "first_name": "Susan", "last_name": "Foster", "full_name": "Susan Foster" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Alan, why don't you go and talk to somebody else?", "dialogue": "Alan, why don't you go and talk to somebody else?" }, { "id": 964, "line_number": 10, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "You see, I don't mind that, because of the smile. You'd make a very good Judas. Betray me and then kiss me.", "dialogue": "You see, I don't mind that, because of the smile. You'd make a very good Judas. Betray me and then kiss me." }, { "id": 965, "line_number": 11, "character": { "id": 5, "first_name": "Susan", "last_name": "Foster", "full_name": "Susan Foster" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Alright then. I mean, I just don't want to kiss, I want to go the whole way. If you want me I'll be round the back.", "dialogue": "Alright then. I mean, I just don't want to kiss, I want to go the whole way. If you want me I'll be round the back." } ] }, { "id": 63, "title": "After speaking to Susan, Alan heads over to Michael, Sophie and Ben where they are taking a break playing charades", "order_in_episode": 3, "image_url": null, "lines": [ { "id": 966, "line_number": 1, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "No, look, look. Right _[Makes a sign for four words]_", "dialogue": "No, look, look. Right [Makes a sign for four words]" }, { "id": 967, "line_number": 2, "character": { "id": 6, "first_name": "Sophie", "last_name": "the receptionist", "full_name": "Sophie the receptionist" }, "custom_character_name": "and Ben", "text": "Four words. _[Michael improvises being a bird]_", "dialogue": "Four words. [Michael improvises being a bird]" }, { "id": 968, "line_number": 3, "character": { "id": 6, "first_name": "Sophie", "last_name": "the receptionist", "full_name": "Sophie the receptionist" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Big bird? _[Michael is making growling noises]_ Eagle? Hawk? Hawkeye?", "dialogue": "Big bird? [Michael is making growling noises] Eagle? Hawk? Hawkeye?" }, { "id": 969, "line_number": 4, "character": { "id": 7, "first_name": "Ben", "last_name": "Swain", "full_name": "Ben Swain" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Albatross, bat?", "dialogue": "Albatross, bat?" }, { "id": 970, "line_number": 5, "character": { "id": 6, "first_name": "Sophie", "last_name": "the receptionist", "full_name": "Sophie the receptionist" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Eating?", "dialogue": "Eating?" }, { "id": 971, "line_number": 6, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "\"The Eagle Has Landed\"?", "dialogue": "\"The Eagle Has Landed\"?" }, { "id": 972, "line_number": 7, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Aye, it's \"The Eagle Has Landed\"", "dialogue": "Aye, it's \"The Eagle Has Landed\"" }, { "id": 973, "line_number": 8, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Michael, can I have a drink please.", "dialogue": "Michael, can I have a drink please." }, { "id": 974, "line_number": 9, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Aye sure. What would you like Mr Partridge?", "dialogue": "Aye sure. What would you like Mr Partridge?" }, { "id": 975, "line_number": 10, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Can I have a mineral water please?", "dialogue": "Can I have a mineral water please?" }, { "id": 976, "line_number": 11, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Aye, still or fizzy?", "dialogue": "Aye, still or fizzy?" }, { "id": 977, "line_number": 12, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Err, half and half. _[Michael hands Alan a drink and walks off]_", "dialogue": "Err, half and half. [Michael hands Alan a drink and walks off]" }, { "id": 978, "line_number": 13, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Hey, I've got another, right.", "dialogue": "Hey, I've got another, right." }, { "id": 979, "line_number": 14, "character": { "id": 6, "first_name": "Sophie", "last_name": "the receptionist", "full_name": "Sophie the receptionist" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Four words First word \"The\" Second word, sleep, awake? No.", "dialogue": "Four words First word \"The\" Second word, sleep, awake? No." }, { "id": 980, "line_number": 15, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "\"Day Of The Jackal\", \"Day Of The Jackal\"", "dialogue": "\"Day Of The Jackal\", \"Day Of The Jackal\"" }, { "id": 981, "line_number": 16, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Aye, it's \"Day Of The Jackal\" _[At this point, Alan joins in, holds up three fingers]_ Three words? _[Alan improvises washing himself]_ Err, wash? _[Alan gives the thumbs up, then points to himself]_ My? _[Alan gives the thumbs up again, then improvises driving]_ Car? Oh aye! Wash my car! I'm sorry, Mr Partridge, I'm on me way now. _[Turns to Ben and Sophie]_ I've got to go and wash his car.", "dialogue": "Aye, it's \"Day Of The Jackal\" [At this point, Alan joins in, holds up three fingers] Three words? [Alan improvises washing himself] Err, wash? [Alan gives the thumbs up, then points to himself] My? [Alan gives the thumbs up again, then improvises driving] Car? Oh aye! Wash my car! I'm sorry, Mr Partridge, I'm on me way now. [Turns to Ben and Sophie] I've got to go and wash his car." } ] }, { "id": 64, "title": "After telling Michael to wash his car through the medium of charades, Alan heads back over to reception to speak to Sophie", "order_in_episode": 4, "image_url": null, "lines": [ { "id": 982, "line_number": 1, "character": { "id": 6, "first_name": "Sophie", "last_name": "the receptionist", "full_name": "Sophie the receptionist" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Everything all right, Mr Partridge?", "dialogue": "Everything all right, Mr Partridge?" }, { "id": 983, "line_number": 2, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Yeah. Yeah. Erm, What's round the back?", "dialogue": "Yeah. Yeah. Erm, What's round the back?" }, { "id": 984, "line_number": 3, "character": { "id": 6, "first_name": "Sophie", "last_name": "the receptionist", "full_name": "Sophie the receptionist" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "A couple of traffic cones and an old mattress.", "dialogue": "A couple of traffic cones and an old mattress." }, { "id": 985, "line_number": 4, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Ahh, right.", "dialogue": "Ahh, right." }, { "id": 986, "line_number": 5, "character": { "id": 6, "first_name": "Sophie", "last_name": "the receptionist", "full_name": "Sophie the receptionist" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Would you like me to book you in for Christmas dinner?", "dialogue": "Would you like me to book you in for Christmas dinner?" }, { "id": 987, "line_number": 6, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "It's May. Sophie, if I'm still here in seven months' time I think I'm going to be a rather sorry individual.", "dialogue": "It's May. Sophie, if I'm still here in seven months' time I think I'm going to be a rather sorry individual." }, { "id": 988, "line_number": 7, "character": { "id": 6, "first_name": "Sophie", "last_name": "the receptionist", "full_name": "Sophie the receptionist" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Well, why don't I book it now and you can always cancel later?", "dialogue": "Well, why don't I book it now and you can always cancel later?" }, { "id": 989, "line_number": 8, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Yeah, that's fine.", "dialogue": "Yeah, that's fine." } ] }, { "id": 65, "title": "Alan heads back to his hotel room after booking his spot at the Christmas dinner. He overhears Ben and Sophie kissing at reception", "order_in_episode": 5, "image_url": null, "lines": [ { "id": 990, "line_number": 1, "character": { "id": 6, "first_name": "Sophie", "last_name": "the receptionist", "full_name": "Sophie the receptionist" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "_[Gives Ben a kiss, Alan is listening in the lift]_ Why don't you come round the back?", "dialogue": "[Gives Ben a kiss, Alan is listening in the lift] Why don't you come round the back?" }, { "id": 991, "line_number": 2, "character": { "id": 7, "first_name": "Ben", "last_name": "Swain", "full_name": "Ben Swain" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Round the back?", "dialogue": "Round the back?" }, { "id": 992, "line_number": 3, "character": { "id": 6, "first_name": "Sophie", "last_name": "the receptionist", "full_name": "Sophie the receptionist" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Yeah. It's quiet. Come on, fifteen minutes.", "dialogue": "Yeah. It's quiet. Come on, fifteen minutes." }, { "id": 993, "line_number": 4, "character": { "id": 7, "first_name": "Ben", "last_name": "Swain", "full_name": "Ben Swain" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "All right, fifteen minutes. _[Alan decides to vacate the lift]_", "dialogue": "All right, fifteen minutes. [Alan decides to vacate the lift]" }, { "id": 994, "line_number": 5, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Err, Ben?", "dialogue": "Err, Ben?" }, { "id": 995, "line_number": 6, "character": { "id": 7, "first_name": "Ben", "last_name": "Swain", "full_name": "Ben Swain" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Yeah?", "dialogue": "Yeah?" }, { "id": 996, "line_number": 7, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Could I have a sandwich, please?", "dialogue": "Could I have a sandwich, please?" }, { "id": 997, "line_number": 8, "character": { "id": 7, "first_name": "Ben", "last_name": "Swain", "full_name": "Ben Swain" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Yeah, sure.", "dialogue": "Yeah, sure." }, { "id": 998, "line_number": 9, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Cheese, cheese sandwich.", "dialogue": "Cheese, cheese sandwich." }, { "id": 999, "line_number": 10, "character": { "id": 7, "first_name": "Ben", "last_name": "Swain", "full_name": "Ben Swain" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Right, ok.", "dialogue": "Right, ok." }, { "id": 1000, "line_number": 11, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "And cooked meat. And a hot egg. And a crescent of crisps, please. And a side clump of cress.", "dialogue": "And cooked meat. And a hot egg. And a crescent of crisps, please. And a side clump of cress." }, { "id": 1001, "line_number": 12, "character": { "id": 7, "first_name": "Ben", "last_name": "Swain", "full_name": "Ben Swain" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Right. And you want that now?", "dialogue": "Right. And you want that now?" }, { "id": 1002, "line_number": 13, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Nah, no, no. Any time. Any time in the next fifteen minutes.", "dialogue": "Nah, no, no. Any time. Any time in the next fifteen minutes." }, { "id": 1003, "line_number": 14, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "_[Alan, all smug, heads back to the lift]_ Oooh it gets dark, it gets lonely.", "dialogue": "[Alan, all smug, heads back to the lift] Oooh it gets dark, it gets lonely." } ] }, { "id": 66, "title": "Alan is back in his room, with nothing to do but relax, he decides to listen to one of his own relaxation tapes", "order_in_episode": 6, "image_url": null, "lines": [ { "id": 1004, "line_number": 1, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": "Voice Over", "text": "Welcome to tape two of \"Let Go, with Alan Partridge\" a sequence of easy exercises to relieve stress enhanced by the tropical music of the pan pipes. First, find a quiet place to recline. A bed or a big chair. I want you to imagine you're lying on the beach, divested of all the trappings of the twentieth century. No mobile phones, batteries out of your pager… _[Alan has been uneasy with the way his shoes are positioned and rearranges them]_ …no clothes. You're completely naked, or with undergarments perhaps made from bark. You're all alone, the waves gently licking at your feet, your bark trunks soaking up the water like a sponge… _[Alan looks agitated. He gets up again and pushes the shoes under the bed, then relaxes back on the bed]_ …Your head loosens from the torso and bobs into the distance. Remember the breathing techniques from Tape one. Please relax. I can't emphasise that enough. All of us experience stress, whether you're a heart surgeon making vital incisions, or just Dave Bloggs queuing for a rail ticket behind a man who's buying a travel pass… _[Alan leaps up and begins shutting drawers, then straightens a stack of CDs, then lies back down]_ …which involves photographs, scissors, forms being filled in, and his Access won't wipe. You get the picture. Stress like this just won't go away, and it has to be combated.", "dialogue": "Welcome to tape two of \"Let Go, with Alan Partridge\" a sequence of easy exercises to relieve stress enhanced by the tropical music of the pan pipes. First, find a quiet place to recline. A bed or a big chair. I want you to imagine you're lying on the beach, divested of all the trappings of the twentieth century. No mobile phones, batteries out of your pager… [Alan has been uneasy with the way his shoes are positioned and rearranges them] …no clothes. You're completely naked, or with undergarments perhaps made from bark. You're all alone, the waves gently licking at your feet, your bark trunks soaking up the water like a sponge… [Alan looks agitated. He gets up again and pushes the shoes under the bed, then relaxes back on the bed] …Your head loosens from the torso and bobs into the distance. Remember the breathing techniques from Tape one. Please relax. I can't emphasise that enough. All of us experience stress, whether you're a heart surgeon making vital incisions, or just Dave Bloggs queuing for a rail ticket behind a man who's buying a travel pass… [Alan leaps up and begins shutting drawers, then straightens a stack of CDs, then lies back down] …which involves photographs, scissors, forms being filled in, and his Access won't wipe. You get the picture. Stress like this just won't go away, and it has to be combated." }, { "id": 1005, "line_number": 2, "character": null, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "_[Alan gets up, switches the tape off, and sits on the side of his bed]_", "dialogue": "[Alan gets up, switches the tape off, and sits on the side of his bed]" }, { "id": 1006, "line_number": 3, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Sod off.", "dialogue": "Sod off." }, { "id": 1007, "line_number": 4, "character": null, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "_[Alan picks up his Dictaphone and starts reeling off programme ideas]_", "dialogue": "[Alan picks up his Dictaphone and starts reeling off programme ideas]" }, { "id": 1008, "line_number": 5, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Idea for a programme entitled \"Yachting Mishaps\". Some funny, some tragic. Presented by that man who was trapped upside down in his hull eating chocolate.", "dialogue": "Idea for a programme entitled \"Yachting Mishaps\". Some funny, some tragic. Presented by that man who was trapped upside down in his hull eating chocolate." }, { "id": 1009, "line_number": 6, "character": null, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "_[Alan looks outside his bedroom window, he notices Sophie and Ben emerging from the bushes. Sophie looks up and notices Alan, they both run off laughing]_", "dialogue": "[Alan looks outside his bedroom window, he notices Sophie and Ben emerging from the bushes. Sophie looks up and notices Alan, they both run off laughing]" }, { "id": 1010, "line_number": 7, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Idea for a programme called \"Free Spirits\". No, actually change that to erm, \"Bad Attitude\".", "dialogue": "Idea for a programme called \"Free Spirits\". No, actually change that to erm, \"Bad Attitude\"." } ] }, { "id": 67, "title": "Alan, now really bored, decides to call his son, Fernando", "order_in_episode": 7, "image_url": null, "lines": [ { "id": 1011, "line_number": 1, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Hello? Oh hello. Erm, I'd like to speak to Fernando Partridge please. It's his father, it's his father. Ahh, hello. Who's she? Is she your latest er…? Ah, right. You both sound exhausted, have you been running? Erm, I was just wondering if you wanted to go for a drink. Fernando, you're twenty-two years old and you're spending your Saturday afternoon in bed with a girl, you're wasting your life. It's a beautiful day. Take her out to a local fort or a Victorian folly. Yes, of course, but… Look, your mum and I, believe me we did it everywhere. You know, in the lounge, in the hall. Behind a large boulder on Helvellyn for my birthday. Actually, that is where you were conceived. We just didn't take precautions. No, no, we were delighted. I mean at first I was mortified, then you were born and we grew to like you. I remember I left a tartan flask up there. One of those very fragile ones with a screw-on cup-stroke-cap. These days, they're much more resilient. Sort of, they took the technology from NASA, basically, which is extraordinary. Modern flasks today are directly linked with the Apollo 11 space mission. Hello? Sod 'em.", "dialogue": "Hello? Oh hello. Erm, I'd like to speak to Fernando Partridge please. It's his father, it's his father. Ahh, hello. Who's she? Is she your latest er…? Ah, right. You both sound exhausted, have you been running? Erm, I was just wondering if you wanted to go for a drink. Fernando, you're twenty-two years old and you're spending your Saturday afternoon in bed with a girl, you're wasting your life. It's a beautiful day. Take her out to a local fort or a Victorian folly. Yes, of course, but… Look, your mum and I, believe me we did it everywhere. You know, in the lounge, in the hall. Behind a large boulder on Helvellyn for my birthday. Actually, that is where you were conceived. We just didn't take precautions. No, no, we were delighted. I mean at first I was mortified, then you were born and we grew to like you. I remember I left a tartan flask up there. One of those very fragile ones with a screw-on cup-stroke-cap. These days, they're much more resilient. Sort of, they took the technology from NASA, basically, which is extraordinary. Modern flasks today are directly linked with the Apollo 11 space mission. Hello? Sod 'em." } ] }, { "id": 68, "title": "After Fernando hangs up on his dad, Alan decides to call Currys", "order_in_episode": 8, "image_url": null, "lines": [ { "id": 1012, "line_number": 1, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Hello, is that Currys? I'd like to make an enquiry about err, two supplementary auxiliary speakers, to go with my midi hi-fi system. Apropos, achieving surround sound. Apropos. It's Latin. You ought to have a basic grasp of Latin if you're working in Currys. Oh you've got them. Excellent. Erm, one last thing. What time do you knock off? Fancy going for a drink? Right, ok, just thought I'd ask. Thank you.", "dialogue": "Hello, is that Currys? I'd like to make an enquiry about err, two supplementary auxiliary speakers, to go with my midi hi-fi system. Apropos, achieving surround sound. Apropos. It's Latin. You ought to have a basic grasp of Latin if you're working in Currys. Oh you've got them. Excellent. Erm, one last thing. What time do you knock off? Fancy going for a drink? Right, ok, just thought I'd ask. Thank you." } ] }, { "id": 69, "title": "Alan leaves his hotel room and wanders downstairs to reception, on his way out for a walk to the petrol station. He begins to shout for some attention", "order_in_episode": 9, "image_url": null, "lines": [ { "id": 1013, "line_number": 1, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Hello? Just… Just going for a walk! To the petrol station. Get some windscreen washer fluid. Anyone… anyone want to join me? Right. Breath of fresh air?", "dialogue": "Hello? Just… Just going for a walk! To the petrol station. Get some windscreen washer fluid. Anyone… anyone want to join me? Right. Breath of fresh air?" }, { "id": 1014, "line_number": 2, "character": null, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "_[Cut to a clip where Alan is walking along the motorway, singing \"Goldfinger\"]_", "dialogue": "[Cut to a clip where Alan is walking along the motorway, singing \"Goldfinger\"]" }, { "id": 1015, "line_number": 3, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Goldfinger. He's the man. The man with the Midas touch, the spider's touch. Such a cold finger…", "dialogue": "Goldfinger. He's the man. The man with the Midas touch, the spider's touch. Such a cold finger…" }, { "id": 1016, "line_number": 4, "character": null, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "_[Cuts to a scene of a BP garage]_", "dialogue": "[Cuts to a scene of a BP garage]" }, { "id": 1017, "line_number": 5, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Hands up! Give me all your petrol!", "dialogue": "Hands up! Give me all your petrol!" }, { "id": 1018, "line_number": 6, "character": { "id": 40, "first_name": "Attendant", "last_name": null, "full_name": "Attendant" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Pardon?", "dialogue": "Pardon?" }, { "id": 1019, "line_number": 7, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "No, just a joke. Have you got any windscreen washer fluid?", "dialogue": "No, just a joke. Have you got any windscreen washer fluid?" }, { "id": 1020, "line_number": 8, "character": { "id": 40, "first_name": "Attendant", "last_name": null, "full_name": "Attendant" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Yeah.", "dialogue": "Yeah." }, { "id": 1021, "line_number": 9, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "I'll have twelve bottles please.", "dialogue": "I'll have twelve bottles please." }, { "id": 1022, "line_number": 10, "character": { "id": 40, "first_name": "Attendant", "last_name": null, "full_name": "Attendant" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Ok.", "dialogue": "Ok." }, { "id": 1023, "line_number": 11, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Nice err, nice array of pasties you've got today.", "dialogue": "Nice err, nice array of pasties you've got today." }, { "id": 1024, "line_number": 12, "character": { "id": 40, "first_name": "Attendant", "last_name": null, "full_name": "Attendant" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Thank you.", "dialogue": "Thank you." }, { "id": 1025, "line_number": 13, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "I don't want one, I'm just making small talk.", "dialogue": "I don't want one, I'm just making small talk." }, { "id": 1026, "line_number": 14, "character": { "id": 40, "first_name": "Attendant", "last_name": null, "full_name": "Attendant" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "That's err, £31.20 please.", "dialogue": "That's err, £31.20 please." }, { "id": 1027, "line_number": 15, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Fancy a pint later on?", "dialogue": "Fancy a pint later on?" }, { "id": 1028, "line_number": 16, "character": { "id": 40, "first_name": "Attendant", "last_name": null, "full_name": "Attendant" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "No thanks.", "dialogue": "No thanks." }, { "id": 1029, "line_number": 17, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "No. Neither do I. Thank you.", "dialogue": "No. Neither do I. Thank you." }, { "id": 1030, "line_number": 18, "character": null, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "_[Alan leaves the garage with a plastic bag, continuing to sing \"Goldfinger\"]_", "dialogue": "[Alan leaves the garage with a plastic bag, continuing to sing \"Goldfinger\"]" }, { "id": 1031, "line_number": 19, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Such a cold finger. Pretty girl, beware of his web of sin. But don't go in. And a golden girl knows when he's kissed her. It's the kiss of death, from Mr Goldfinger. Duddle-do-do!", "dialogue": "Such a cold finger. Pretty girl, beware of his web of sin. But don't go in. And a golden girl knows when he's kissed her. It's the kiss of death, from Mr Goldfinger. Duddle-do-do!" } ] }, { "id": 70, "title": "Alan, still bored calling reception as he has dismantled his Corby Trouser Press", "order_in_episode": 10, "image_url": null, "lines": [ { "id": 1032, "line_number": 1, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Ah, hello Susan. Erm, slight problem. I was a bit bored, err, so I dismantled my Corby Trouser Press. I, err, I can't put it back together again. Will that show up on my bill? Right. Thanks.", "dialogue": "Ah, hello Susan. Erm, slight problem. I was a bit bored, err, so I dismantled my Corby Trouser Press. I, err, I can't put it back together again. Will that show up on my bill? Right. Thanks." } ] }, { "id": 71, "title": "Alan ventures out in his car to buy a bag of tungsten-tipped screws and to pester Lynn", "order_in_episode": 11, "image_url": null, "lines": [ { "id": 1033, "line_number": 1, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": "to Lynn on his headset", "text": "Hello, Lynn. Message from Alan. Idea for a television programme based on Michael Palin's \"Pole to Pole\". Err, except I circumnavigate the globe, only driving through countries where they drive on the left. And I do it in a lovely old bull-nosed Morris. We could call it \"Around the World with Alan Partridge, in a Bull-Nose on the Left\". I'm sorry, Lynn. I think that is possibly the worst idea I have ever had. I'm going nowhere, Lynn. Quite literally. I'm on the ring road. My third time round. I've just been into B&Q for a bag of tungsten-tipped screws. Never gonna use 'em, never gonna use 'em. Meet me in the car park in half an hour, Lynn.", "dialogue": "Hello, Lynn. Message from Alan. Idea for a television programme based on Michael Palin's \"Pole to Pole\". Err, except I circumnavigate the globe, only driving through countries where they drive on the left. And I do it in a lovely old bull-nosed Morris. We could call it \"Around the World with Alan Partridge, in a Bull-Nose on the Left\". I'm sorry, Lynn. I think that is possibly the worst idea I have ever had. I'm going nowhere, Lynn. Quite literally. I'm on the ring road. My third time round. I've just been into B&Q for a bag of tungsten-tipped screws. Never gonna use 'em, never gonna use 'em. Meet me in the car park in half an hour, Lynn." }, { "id": 1034, "line_number": 2, "character": null, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "_[Cuts to a scene where Lynn and Alan are in Alan's car]_", "dialogue": "[Cuts to a scene where Lynn and Alan are in Alan's car]" }, { "id": 1035, "line_number": 3, "character": { "id": 2, "first_name": "Lynn", "last_name": "Benfield", "full_name": "Lynn Benfield" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Sorry I'm a bit late. I, err, got caught in a taxi that broke down over there. Couple of miles back, I had to walk.", "dialogue": "Sorry I'm a bit late. I, err, got caught in a taxi that broke down over there. Couple of miles back, I had to walk." }, { "id": 1036, "line_number": 4, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Was that a lie?", "dialogue": "Was that a lie?" }, { "id": 1037, "line_number": 5, "character": { "id": 2, "first_name": "Lynn", "last_name": "Benfield", "full_name": "Lynn Benfield" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "No. I'm very hot.", "dialogue": "No. I'm very hot." }, { "id": 1038, "line_number": 6, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Ahhhh. You know these are inertia reel seatbelts? They were developed in the, sort of, late '60s, early '70s, basically to enable you to lean forward for things. But in a crash, it does stop you because… _*Impact! Bang! Lock! Arrrgh!*_ You get bruises, but…", "dialogue": "Ahhhh. You know these are inertia reel seatbelts? They were developed in the, sort of, late '60s, early '70s, basically to enable you to lean forward for things. But in a crash, it does stop you because… Impact! Bang! Lock! Arrrgh! You get bruises, but…" }, { "id": 1039, "line_number": 7, "character": { "id": 2, "first_name": "Lynn", "last_name": "Benfield", "full_name": "Lynn Benfield" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Right.", "dialogue": "Right." }, { "id": 1040, "line_number": 8, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "I'd love to feel an airbag go off in my face. It would be _*beergh! Boosh! Boosh!*_ That cushion effect on the face. I'll be honest Lynn, I'm at a loose end, today. That's why I'm err… That's why I'm err, talking. Talking. Talk… That's why I'm talking. Can you cool me down with a hand fan, please Lynn? _[Lynn reaches into the door compartment for the hand fan and holds it close to Alan's face as he is turned away]_ Did hear about Damon Hill _[Alan turns round and the hand fan hits him in the face]_ Owww! Lynn! Be careful with it. Nearly took my lip off.", "dialogue": "I'd love to feel an airbag go off in my face. It would be beergh! Boosh! Boosh! That cushion effect on the face. I'll be honest Lynn, I'm at a loose end, today. That's why I'm err… That's why I'm err, talking. Talking. Talk… That's why I'm talking. Can you cool me down with a hand fan, please Lynn? [Lynn reaches into the door compartment for the hand fan and holds it close to Alan's face as he is turned away] Did hear about Damon Hill [Alan turns round and the hand fan hits him in the face] Owww! Lynn! Be careful with it. Nearly took my lip off." } ] }, { "id": 72, "title": "Alan and Lynn head into the hotel where Susan, Sophie and Ben are playing a game of Gin Rummy", "order_in_episode": 12, "image_url": null, "lines": [ { "id": 1041, "line_number": 1, "character": { "id": 5, "first_name": "Susan", "last_name": "Foster", "full_name": "Susan Foster" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Lynn! Come and join us!", "dialogue": "Lynn! Come and join us!" }, { "id": 1042, "line_number": 2, "character": { "id": 6, "first_name": "Sophie", "last_name": "the receptionist", "full_name": "Sophie the receptionist" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Play Gin Rummy.", "dialogue": "Play Gin Rummy." }, { "id": 1043, "line_number": 3, "character": { "id": 5, "first_name": "Susan", "last_name": "Foster", "full_name": "Susan Foster" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Make the numbers up, come on.", "dialogue": "Make the numbers up, come on." }, { "id": 1044, "line_number": 4, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "I'll err, Lynn I'll just go up to my room. Got a bit of work to do _[Taps his bag]_, so… _[Alan's bag opens revealing only a wallet]_ …I normally have files in here, but I've got some in the room. Put it in later. The strap's optional. _[Alan walks off]_", "dialogue": "I'll err, Lynn I'll just go up to my room. Got a bit of work to do [Taps his bag], so… [Alan's bag opens revealing only a wallet] …I normally have files in here, but I've got some in the room. Put it in later. The strap's optional. [Alan walks off]" }, { "id": 1045, "line_number": 5, "character": { "id": 5, "first_name": "Susan", "last_name": "Foster", "full_name": "Susan Foster" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "_[To Sophie]_ Oh, no, no, show Lynn.", "dialogue": "[To Sophie] Oh, no, no, show Lynn." }, { "id": 1046, "line_number": 6, "character": { "id": 6, "first_name": "Sophie", "last_name": "the receptionist", "full_name": "Sophie the receptionist" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "_[Impersonating Alan]_ Morning Susan, a-haaaa!", "dialogue": "[Impersonating Alan] Morning Susan, a-haaaa!" }, { "id": 1047, "line_number": 7, "character": null, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "_[Alan enters the restaurant, clearly unhappy. Swipes his bag above their heads]_", "dialogue": "[Alan enters the restaurant, clearly unhappy. Swipes his bag above their heads]" }, { "id": 1048, "line_number": 8, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Watch it! _[Alan runs off to the lift, everyone is a bit taken aback by it]_", "dialogue": "Watch it! [Alan runs off to the lift, everyone is a bit taken aback by it]" } ] }, { "id": 73, "title": "Alan is back in his room and Lynn heads up to check on him", "order_in_episode": 13, "image_url": null, "lines": [ { "id": 1049, "line_number": 1, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Come in.", "dialogue": "Come in." }, { "id": 1050, "line_number": 2, "character": { "id": 2, "first_name": "Lynn", "last_name": "Benfield", "full_name": "Lynn Benfield" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Would you like a mint?", "dialogue": "Would you like a mint?" }, { "id": 1051, "line_number": 3, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "No. Yeah, yes.", "dialogue": "No. Yeah, yes." }, { "id": 1052, "line_number": 4, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "I don't think you should have one, Lynn. Considering what's happened. I tell ya, it's a good job you weren't here five minutes ago. Listen to this. Listen, listen. _[Alan replays his message to himself on his Dictaphone]_", "dialogue": "I don't think you should have one, Lynn. Considering what's happened. I tell ya, it's a good job you weren't here five minutes ago. Listen to this. Listen, listen. [Alan replays his message to himself on his Dictaphone]" }, { "id": 1053, "line_number": 5, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": "(playback from his Dictaphone)", "text": "Sack Lynn for being unloya-, disloyal. And for joining in fun in a way that excludes her employer. And sack her for being an absolute idiot and inefficient. Lynn, can you call Bill Oddie and… _[Switches off his Dictaphone]_", "dialogue": "Sack Lynn for being unloya-, disloyal. And for joining in fun in a way that excludes her employer. And sack her for being an absolute idiot and inefficient. Lynn, can you call Bill Oddie and… [Switches off his Dictaphone]" }, { "id": 1054, "line_number": 6, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Something else, it fell through.", "dialogue": "Something else, it fell through." }, { "id": 1055, "line_number": 7, "character": { "id": 2, "first_name": "Lynn", "last_name": "Benfield", "full_name": "Lynn Benfield" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Why don't you come down and play then?", "dialogue": "Why don't you come down and play then?" }, { "id": 1056, "line_number": 8, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Play? Lynn, they were doing impersonations of me.", "dialogue": "Play? Lynn, they were doing impersonations of me." }, { "id": 1057, "line_number": 9, "character": { "id": 2, "first_name": "Lynn", "last_name": "Benfield", "full_name": "Lynn Benfield" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Well, they were doing impersonations of everyone, Alan. Even me. It was quite savage.", "dialogue": "Well, they were doing impersonations of everyone, Alan. Even me. It was quite savage." }, { "id": 1058, "line_number": 10, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Were they really savage? Were they going \"Ooh, shall I sit there, Ooh shall I sit there? Ooh, am I like a little mouse?\"", "dialogue": "Were they really savage? Were they going \"Ooh, shall I sit there, Ooh shall I sit there? Ooh, am I like a little mouse?\"" }, { "id": 1059, "line_number": 11, "character": { "id": 2, "first_name": "Lynn", "last_name": "Benfield", "full_name": "Lynn Benfield" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "No, actually. It was a little bit like this \"Shall I let you walk all over me? Sorry, Mother, can't get you out of the bath I've got to pop down to Linton Travel Tavern to sort out Alan's problems!\"", "dialogue": "No, actually. It was a little bit like this \"Shall I let you walk all over me? Sorry, Mother, can't get you out of the bath I've got to pop down to Linton Travel Tavern to sort out Alan's problems!\"" }, { "id": 1060, "line_number": 12, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "That's very good!", "dialogue": "That's very good!" }, { "id": 1061, "line_number": 13, "character": { "id": 2, "first_name": "Lynn", "last_name": "Benfield", "full_name": "Lynn Benfield" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Thank you.", "dialogue": "Thank you." }, { "id": 1062, "line_number": 14, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Tell them I'll err, I'll join in. And to show them I'm not a stick in the mud, I'm just preparing a little joke for them, which should be a lot of fun.", "dialogue": "Tell them I'll err, I'll join in. And to show them I'm not a stick in the mud, I'm just preparing a little joke for them, which should be a lot of fun." } ] }, { "id": 74, "title": "Alan prepares himself and hides behind the reception desk dressed as a zombie and jumps out on an unsuspecting Susan", "order_in_episode": 14, "image_url": null, "lines": [ { "id": 1063, "line_number": 1, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Urrrrgh! _[Susan begins screaming in terror, Michael runs behind reception to defend her with his fist ready]_", "dialogue": "Urrrrgh! [Susan begins screaming in terror, Michael runs behind reception to defend her with his fist ready]" }, { "id": 1064, "line_number": 2, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "I'm a zombie! I'm a zombie! I was dressed as a zombie, I'm Alan Partridge!", "dialogue": "I'm a zombie! I'm a zombie! I was dressed as a zombie, I'm Alan Partridge!" }, { "id": 1065, "line_number": 3, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Would you come out please Mr Partridge 'cause guests aren't allowed behind reception.", "dialogue": "Would you come out please Mr Partridge 'cause guests aren't allowed behind reception." }, { "id": 1066, "line_number": 4, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Alright, alright. I know. It was just a joke, alright. It's backfired.", "dialogue": "Alright, alright. I know. It was just a joke, alright. It's backfired." }, { "id": 1067, "line_number": 5, "character": { "id": 7, "first_name": "Ben", "last_name": "Swain", "full_name": "Ben Swain" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Is that blood?", "dialogue": "Is that blood?" }, { "id": 1068, "line_number": 6, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "It's tomato ketchup.", "dialogue": "It's tomato ketchup." }, { "id": 1069, "line_number": 7, "character": { "id": 5, "first_name": "Susan", "last_name": "Foster", "full_name": "Susan Foster" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Why have you got a shower curtain round your neck?", "dialogue": "Why have you got a shower curtain round your neck?" }, { "id": 1070, "line_number": 8, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "I'm a zombie, I don't know. It's supposed to be a flap of skin or something.", "dialogue": "I'm a zombie, I don't know. It's supposed to be a flap of skin or something." }, { "id": 1071, "line_number": 9, "character": { "id": 5, "first_name": "Susan", "last_name": "Foster", "full_name": "Susan Foster" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Did you pull that off one of the showers?", "dialogue": "Did you pull that off one of the showers?" }, { "id": 1072, "line_number": 10, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "No, I checked all the rings to make sure I could re-attach them afterwards. Nothing has been damaged.", "dialogue": "No, I checked all the rings to make sure I could re-attach them afterwards. Nothing has been damaged." }, { "id": 1073, "line_number": 11, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Why have you got, err, biscuits sellotaped to your face?", "dialogue": "Why have you got, err, biscuits sellotaped to your face?" }, { "id": 1074, "line_number": 12, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Erm, they're complimentary. It's supposed to be flaky skin. I'm a zombie.", "dialogue": "Erm, they're complimentary. It's supposed to be flaky skin. I'm a zombie." }, { "id": 1075, "line_number": 13, "character": { "id": 6, "first_name": "Sophie", "last_name": "the receptionist", "full_name": "Sophie the receptionist" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "What's that hanging down between your legs?", "dialogue": "What's that hanging down between your legs?" }, { "id": 1076, "line_number": 14, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "It's a flex off a mini kettle. It's supposed to be a tail.", "dialogue": "It's a flex off a mini kettle. It's supposed to be a tail." }, { "id": 1077, "line_number": 15, "character": { "id": 6, "first_name": "Sophie", "last_name": "the receptionist", "full_name": "Sophie the receptionist" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Zombies don't have tails.", "dialogue": "Zombies don't have tails." }, { "id": 1078, "line_number": 16, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "All right, it's inconsistent! Zombies by their very nature are inconsistent. They're a mish-mash of different bits.", "dialogue": "All right, it's inconsistent! Zombies by their very nature are inconsistent. They're a mish-mash of different bits." }, { "id": 1079, "line_number": 17, "character": { "id": 7, "first_name": "Ben", "last_name": "Swain", "full_name": "Ben Swain" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "No, that's Frankenstein.", "dialogue": "No, that's Frankenstein." }, { "id": 1080, "line_number": 18, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Right. You've made two glaring errors.", "dialogue": "Right. You've made two glaring errors." }, { "id": 1081, "line_number": 19, "character": { "id": 7, "first_name": "Ben", "last_name": "Swain", "full_name": "Ben Swain" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "What's that on your fingers?", "dialogue": "What's that on your fingers?" }, { "id": 1082, "line_number": 20, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "They're tungsten-tipped screws. Claws. Right, error one… actually they're quite good for making a point aren't they?… Error one, right: Frankenstein is the name of the creator, not the monster. Error two: Frankenstein _is_ a zombie, right. He's a _type_ of zombie. It's like people who say Tannoy when they mean public address system. Tannoy is a brand name. Why are you all staring at me? I'm not having a go at anyone, I'm having a pop at the undead. Do you see any upset zombies around?", "dialogue": "They're tungsten-tipped screws. Claws. Right, error one… actually they're quite good for making a point aren't they?… Error one, right: Frankenstein is the name of the creator, not the monster. Error two: Frankenstein is a zombie, right. He's a type of zombie. It's like people who say Tannoy when they mean public address system. Tannoy is a brand name. Why are you all staring at me? I'm not having a go at anyone, I'm having a pop at the undead. Do you see any upset zombies around?" }, { "id": 1083, "line_number": 21, "character": { "id": 6, "first_name": "Sophie", "last_name": "the receptionist", "full_name": "Sophie the receptionist" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Just the one.", "dialogue": "Just the one." }, { "id": 1084, "line_number": 22, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "This country!", "dialogue": "This country!" } ] }, { "id": 75, "title": "Alan is sitting in the empty hotel bar having a pint and chatting with Michael who is serving", "order_in_episode": 15, "image_url": null, "lines": [ { "id": 1085, "line_number": 1, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "So depressing isn't it.", "dialogue": "So depressing isn't it." }, { "id": 1086, "line_number": 2, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Aye.", "dialogue": "Aye." }, { "id": 1087, "line_number": 3, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Have you ever thought that suicide might be the answer?", "dialogue": "Have you ever thought that suicide might be the answer?" }, { "id": 1088, "line_number": 4, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Well, sometimes, aye.", "dialogue": "Well, sometimes, aye." }, { "id": 1089, "line_number": 5, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Really? When?", "dialogue": "Really? When?" }, { "id": 1090, "line_number": 6, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Well, when I've seen ya looking all depressed and that, you know.", "dialogue": "Well, when I've seen ya looking all depressed and that, you know." }, { "id": 1091, "line_number": 7, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Not me! You. Have you ever considered suicide?", "dialogue": "Not me! You. Have you ever considered suicide?" }, { "id": 1092, "line_number": 8, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Oh, no. That's the cowards way oot, man.", "dialogue": "Oh, no. That's the cowards way oot, man." }, { "id": 1093, "line_number": 9, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "You must have got up to a few pranks in your time?", "dialogue": "You must have got up to a few pranks in your time?" }, { "id": 1094, "line_number": 10, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Way-Aye! Hey, this one time, right. I was stationed oot in Belize, right, and I had this little macaque monkey as a pet, right. And one day, I came back to me tent, right, and it had eaten all me fags. So I picked it up, and I threw it in the sea.", "dialogue": "Way-Aye! Hey, this one time, right. I was stationed oot in Belize, right, and I had this little macaque monkey as a pet, right. And one day, I came back to me tent, right, and it had eaten all me fags. So I picked it up, and I threw it in the sea." }, { "id": 1095, "line_number": 11, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "You threw a monkey in the sea?", "dialogue": "You threw a monkey in the sea?" }, { "id": 1096, "line_number": 12, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Well, he'd eaten all me fags, man. You know, it was a big packet of 200 duty-frees, like.", "dialogue": "Well, he'd eaten all me fags, man. You know, it was a big packet of 200 duty-frees, like." }, { "id": 1097, "line_number": 13, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "You threw a monkey in the sea? That's awful. I was fishing for some sort of funny story. That's just upsetting.", "dialogue": "You threw a monkey in the sea? That's awful. I was fishing for some sort of funny story. That's just upsetting." }, { "id": 1098, "line_number": 14, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Well, you know, I wasn't thinking straight, right. I just kind of got the red mist in front of me eyes and just grabbed the monkey and hoyed it in the sea.", "dialogue": "Well, you know, I wasn't thinking straight, right. I just kind of got the red mist in front of me eyes and just grabbed the monkey and hoyed it in the sea." }, { "id": 1099, "line_number": 15, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Will you stop saying you threw your monkey in the sea? All I can see is a monkey spinning towards the water.", "dialogue": "Will you stop saying you threw your monkey in the sea? All I can see is a monkey spinning towards the water." }, { "id": 1100, "line_number": 16, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Well, it didn't go straight into the water, it bounced off a rock.", "dialogue": "Well, it didn't go straight into the water, it bounced off a rock." }, { "id": 1101, "line_number": 17, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Oh, Michael! That's such a pointless death. At least when they experiment on them, they sort of get something out of it. Nice perfume or something.", "dialogue": "Oh, Michael! That's such a pointless death. At least when they experiment on them, they sort of get something out of it. Nice perfume or something." }, { "id": 1102, "line_number": 18, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Aye. You know, I've often wondered, right, why is it that they put the perfume in the monkey's eyes, right? Why not just put it on its wrists, like you know, posh ladies, in department stores?", "dialogue": "Aye. You know, I've often wondered, right, why is it that they put the perfume in the monkey's eyes, right? Why not just put it on its wrists, like you know, posh ladies, in department stores?" }, { "id": 1103, "line_number": 19, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "It's just cruel, isn't it? Mind you, if you've been to Knowsley Safari Park, and they're pulling the wipers off your windscreen and nicking your hub-caps, you lose sympathy.", "dialogue": "It's just cruel, isn't it? Mind you, if you've been to Knowsley Safari Park, and they're pulling the wipers off your windscreen and nicking your hub-caps, you lose sympathy." }, { "id": 1104, "line_number": 20, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Maybe the monkeys are trying to collect enough parts together, to make a complete car, right. And they'll all just pile in it and break through the gates and escape.", "dialogue": "Maybe the monkeys are trying to collect enough parts together, to make a complete car, right. And they'll all just pile in it and break through the gates and escape." }, { "id": 1105, "line_number": 21, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "It's a frightening thought.", "dialogue": "It's a frightening thought." }, { "id": 1106, "line_number": 22, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Is this making you feel any better?", "dialogue": "Is this making you feel any better?" }, { "id": 1107, "line_number": 23, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Not really, no.", "dialogue": "Not really, no." }, { "id": 1108, "line_number": 24, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "You've done some crazy things in your life.", "dialogue": "You've done some crazy things in your life." }, { "id": 1109, "line_number": 25, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Aye.", "dialogue": "Aye." }, { "id": 1110, "line_number": 26, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "I wish I'd been a bit more spontaneous. Sometimes I feel like just going out and, I don't know, stealing a traffic cone and putting it on my head and saying \"Look at me I'm a giant witch!\"", "dialogue": "I wish I'd been a bit more spontaneous. Sometimes I feel like just going out and, I don't know, stealing a traffic cone and putting it on my head and saying \"Look at me I'm a giant witch!\"" }, { "id": 1111, "line_number": 27, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Just dee it then! Go and steal a cone, man.", "dialogue": "Just dee it then! Go and steal a cone, man." }, { "id": 1112, "line_number": 28, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "I can't, that's outrageous!", "dialogue": "I can't, that's outrageous!" }, { "id": 1113, "line_number": 29, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "I'll come with ya. We can be like \"Thelma and Louise\". We'll just steal a traffic cone and then just go off somewhere.", "dialogue": "I'll come with ya. We can be like \"Thelma and Louise\". We'll just steal a traffic cone and then just go off somewhere." }, { "id": 1114, "line_number": 30, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "I don't want to go off anywhere. I just want to steal a cone and sort of wave it around a bit.", "dialogue": "I don't want to go off anywhere. I just want to steal a cone and sort of wave it around a bit." }, { "id": 1115, "line_number": 31, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Aye! I tell you what, I can hold it up to me mouth like a Tannoy, right.", "dialogue": "Aye! I tell you what, I can hold it up to me mouth like a Tannoy, right." }, { "id": 1116, "line_number": 32, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "No. Speaker system.", "dialogue": "No. Speaker system." }, { "id": 1117, "line_number": 33, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Aye. I can just hold it there and shout \"Stop telling me what to do!\"", "dialogue": "Aye. I can just hold it there and shout \"Stop telling me what to do!\"" }, { "id": 1118, "line_number": 34, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Yeah, yeah. It's a good idea. I could get Lynn to drive us there. She's fully comprehensively insured. She's a named driver, let's go!", "dialogue": "Yeah, yeah. It's a good idea. I could get Lynn to drive us there. She's fully comprehensively insured. She's a named driver, let's go!" }, { "id": 1119, "line_number": 35, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Howay the lads, man! Come on.", "dialogue": "Howay the lads, man! Come on." } ] }, { "id": 76, "title": "Alan is being questioned by police, roadside and Michael has disappeared from the scene", "order_in_episode": 16, "image_url": null, "lines": [ { "id": 1120, "line_number": 1, "character": { "id": 38, "first_name": "Policeman", "last_name": null, "full_name": "Policeman" }, "custom_character_name": "_[into his radio]_", "text": "Yeah, we're questioning one bloke. The other bloke seems to have disappeared. There's a woman in the car. Out.", "dialogue": "Yeah, we're questioning one bloke. The other bloke seems to have disappeared. There's a woman in the car. Out." }, { "id": 1121, "line_number": 2, "character": { "id": 38, "first_name": "Policeman", "last_name": null, "full_name": "Policeman" }, "custom_character_name": "to Alan", "text": "So, let's get this straight. Your wife was driving.", "dialogue": "So, let's get this straight. Your wife was driving." }, { "id": 1122, "line_number": 3, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Yes.", "dialogue": "Yes." }, { "id": 1123, "line_number": 4, "character": { "id": 38, "first_name": "Policeman", "last_name": null, "full_name": "Policeman" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "You felt a bit sick.", "dialogue": "You felt a bit sick." }, { "id": 1124, "line_number": 5, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Mmmm", "dialogue": "Mmmm" }, { "id": 1125, "line_number": 6, "character": { "id": 38, "first_name": "Policeman", "last_name": null, "full_name": "Policeman" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "So you asked her to pull over, so you can get a traffic cone to be sick into?", "dialogue": "So you asked her to pull over, so you can get a traffic cone to be sick into?" }, { "id": 1126, "line_number": 7, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Yes.", "dialogue": "Yes." }, { "id": 1127, "line_number": 8, "character": { "id": 38, "first_name": "Policeman", "last_name": null, "full_name": "Policeman" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Why?", "dialogue": "Why?" }, { "id": 1128, "line_number": 9, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "I didn't want to be sick on the road. The cars might skid on it.", "dialogue": "I didn't want to be sick on the road. The cars might skid on it." }, { "id": 1129, "line_number": 10, "character": { "id": 38, "first_name": "Policeman", "last_name": null, "full_name": "Policeman" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "There was another fellow with you. Where's he gone?", "dialogue": "There was another fellow with you. Where's he gone?" }, { "id": 1130, "line_number": 11, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "He ran off over there. He got scared and ran away. He was in the army and I think he saw people being blown up.", "dialogue": "He ran off over there. He got scared and ran away. He was in the army and I think he saw people being blown up." }, { "id": 1131, "line_number": 12, "character": { "id": 38, "first_name": "Policeman", "last_name": null, "full_name": "Policeman" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Do you want to know what I think? I think you've got a very vivid imagination.", "dialogue": "Do you want to know what I think? I think you've got a very vivid imagination." }, { "id": 1132, "line_number": 13, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "I wasn't trying to steal a traffic cone.", "dialogue": "I wasn't trying to steal a traffic cone." }, { "id": 1133, "line_number": 14, "character": { "id": 38, "first_name": "Policeman", "last_name": null, "full_name": "Policeman" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "I'm not saying you're stealing it. I've not said that, why are you saying that? Why are you saying steal?", "dialogue": "I'm not saying you're stealing it. I've not said that, why are you saying that? Why are you saying steal?" }, { "id": 1134, "line_number": 15, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Because, to an innocent bystander, it could… may… look like traffic cone theft. And I'm an innocent bystander, and to me it looks like traffic cone theft.", "dialogue": "Because, to an innocent bystander, it could… may… look like traffic cone theft. And I'm an innocent bystander, and to me it looks like traffic cone theft." }, { "id": 1135, "line_number": 16, "character": { "id": 38, "first_name": "Policeman", "last_name": null, "full_name": "Policeman" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "But it's not.", "dialogue": "But it's not." }, { "id": 1136, "line_number": 17, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "It's not.", "dialogue": "It's not." }, { "id": 1137, "line_number": 18, "character": { "id": 38, "first_name": "Policeman", "last_name": null, "full_name": "Policeman" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "What's your name?", "dialogue": "What's your name?" }, { "id": 1138, "line_number": 19, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Bill.", "dialogue": "Bill." }, { "id": 1139, "line_number": 20, "character": { "id": 38, "first_name": "Policeman", "last_name": null, "full_name": "Policeman" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Bill…?", "dialogue": "Bill…?" }, { "id": 1140, "line_number": 21, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Carr. Bill Carr.", "dialogue": "Carr. Bill Carr." }, { "id": 1141, "line_number": 22, "character": { "id": 38, "first_name": "Policeman", "last_name": null, "full_name": "Policeman" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Bill Carr. Where do you live, Bill? What's your address?", "dialogue": "Bill Carr. Where do you live, Bill? What's your address?" }, { "id": 1142, "line_number": 23, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "King Road. King Road.", "dialogue": "King Road. King Road." }, { "id": 1143, "line_number": 24, "character": { "id": 38, "first_name": "Policeman", "last_name": null, "full_name": "Policeman" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Is there a number?", "dialogue": "Is there a number?" }, { "id": 1144, "line_number": 25, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "TEN!… King Road in Ipswich.", "dialogue": "TEN!… King Road in Ipswich." }, { "id": 1145, "line_number": 26, "character": { "id": 38, "first_name": "Policeman", "last_name": null, "full_name": "Policeman" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Where are you going now?", "dialogue": "Where are you going now?" }, { "id": 1146, "line_number": 27, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "I'm going to go home and just probably go straight to bed, and just keep out of trouble.", "dialogue": "I'm going to go home and just probably go straight to bed, and just keep out of trouble." }, { "id": 1147, "line_number": 28, "character": { "id": 38, "first_name": "Policeman", "last_name": null, "full_name": "Policeman" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Good. Good. We'll let this go. But I don't want to see you here again. All right?", "dialogue": "Good. Good. We'll let this go. But I don't want to see you here again. All right?" }, { "id": 1148, "line_number": 29, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "OK. Thank you.", "dialogue": "OK. Thank you." }, { "id": 1149, "line_number": 30, "character": null, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "_[Alan gets in the back of the car]_", "dialogue": "[Alan gets in the back of the car]" }, { "id": 1150, "line_number": 31, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "_[To Lynn]_ Right, go. Just drive away, drive away normally. _[Lynn panics as she starts the car]_ Stop panicking. Start the engine. _[The car alarm horn blasts out]_ Switch the alarm off! Lynn! _[Alan leans over to turn the alarm off and starts the car]_ Lean back! Stay still. I was technically in charge of a motor vehicle then, I could have been done for drink driving.", "dialogue": "[To Lynn] Right, go. Just drive away, drive away normally. [Lynn panics as she starts the car] Stop panicking. Start the engine. [The car alarm horn blasts out] Switch the alarm off! Lynn! [Alan leans over to turn the alarm off and starts the car] Lean back! Stay still. I was technically in charge of a motor vehicle then, I could have been done for drink driving." } ] }, { "id": 77, "title": "Alan is back in the hotel with Lynn, after his confrontation with the police", "order_in_episode": 17, "image_url": null, "lines": [ { "id": 1151, "line_number": 1, "character": null, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "_[Alan falls into his daze, fantasising about lap dancing for Tony Hayers]_", "dialogue": "[Alan falls into his daze, fantasising about lap dancing for Tony Hayers]" }, { "id": 1152, "line_number": 2, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Would you like me to lap dance for you? My peep-hole Pringle is modelled on an SAS balaclava. Sweet feet. Do you like my cones? They're little ones. I got them from a cycling test centre. I've got a clean licence. Yours is dirty. You've got six points. I've got two. Points.", "dialogue": "Would you like me to lap dance for you? My peep-hole Pringle is modelled on an SAS balaclava. Sweet feet. Do you like my cones? They're little ones. I got them from a cycling test centre. I've got a clean licence. Yours is dirty. You've got six points. I've got two. Points." }, { "id": 1153, "line_number": 3, "character": null, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "_[Alan snaps out of his daze]_", "dialogue": "[Alan snaps out of his daze]" }, { "id": 1154, "line_number": 4, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Oh dear. Tonight, I was that close, that close to being infamous. I don't want to be infamous, I want to be fa-mous. Famous. It's like the Rudyard Kipling poem, \"If\". You know that? If you do x, y and z, Bob's your uncle. Do you want a lift to the cab rank?", "dialogue": "Oh dear. Tonight, I was that close, that close to being infamous. I don't want to be infamous, I want to be fa-mous. Famous. It's like the Rudyard Kipling poem, \"If\". You know that? If you do x, y and z, Bob's your uncle. Do you want a lift to the cab rank?" }, { "id": 1155, "line_number": 5, "character": { "id": 2, "first_name": "Lynn", "last_name": "Benfield", "full_name": "Lynn Benfield" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Oh yes, thank you. I would.", "dialogue": "Oh yes, thank you. I would." }, { "id": 1156, "line_number": 6, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Mind you, it's only a 15-minute walk.", "dialogue": "Mind you, it's only a 15-minute walk." }, { "id": 1157, "line_number": 7, "character": { "id": 2, "first_name": "Lynn", "last_name": "Benfield", "full_name": "Lynn Benfield" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Yes, mmm.", "dialogue": "Yes, mmm." }, { "id": 1158, "line_number": 8, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Right. Be careful, 'cause there's no lights on the dual carriageway.", "dialogue": "Right. Be careful, 'cause there's no lights on the dual carriageway." }, { "id": 1159, "line_number": 9, "character": null, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "_[Lynn leaves and Alan heads to his room, where he spots Michael in reception]_", "dialogue": "[Lynn leaves and Alan heads to his room, where he spots Michael in reception]" }, { "id": 1160, "line_number": 10, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": "to Michael", "text": "Ahh, there you are.", "dialogue": "Ahh, there you are." }, { "id": 1161, "line_number": 11, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Aye-aye, Mr Partridge.", "dialogue": "Aye-aye, Mr Partridge." }, { "id": 1162, "line_number": 12, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "That was a bit of a close shave, wasn't it?", "dialogue": "That was a bit of a close shave, wasn't it?" }, { "id": 1163, "line_number": 13, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Aye, it was a bit, eh.", "dialogue": "Aye, it was a bit, eh." }, { "id": 1164, "line_number": 14, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "You disappeared pretty sharpish.", "dialogue": "You disappeared pretty sharpish." }, { "id": 1165, "line_number": 15, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Aye. Scalded cat man, I was away.", "dialogue": "Aye. Scalded cat man, I was away." }, { "id": 1166, "line_number": 16, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Can I have a couple of eggs for breakfast tomorrow?", "dialogue": "Can I have a couple of eggs for breakfast tomorrow?" }, { "id": 1167, "line_number": 17, "character": { "id": 3, "first_name": "Michael", "last_name": "the Geordie", "full_name": "Michael the Geordie" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Aye, certainly.", "dialogue": "Aye, certainly." }, { "id": 1168, "line_number": 18, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "And I'd like you to lay them, you chicken.", "dialogue": "And I'd like you to lay them, you chicken." }, { "id": 1169, "line_number": 19, "character": { "id": 5, "first_name": "Susan", "last_name": "Foster", "full_name": "Susan Foster" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Oh, hello, Alan", "dialogue": "Oh, hello, Alan" }, { "id": 1170, "line_number": 20, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "_[In the lift with Susan]_ Hello, Susan. Third floor?", "dialogue": "[In the lift with Susan] Hello, Susan. Third floor?" }, { "id": 1171, "line_number": 21, "character": { "id": 5, "first_name": "Susan", "last_name": "Foster", "full_name": "Susan Foster" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Yes, thank you.", "dialogue": "Yes, thank you." }, { "id": 1172, "line_number": 22, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Right, well…", "dialogue": "Right, well…" }, { "id": 1173, "line_number": 23, "character": { "id": 5, "first_name": "Susan", "last_name": "Foster", "full_name": "Susan Foster" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Are you getting out here, or are you going all the way with me?", "dialogue": "Are you getting out here, or are you going all the way with me?" }, { "id": 1174, "line_number": 24, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "I'm getting out here.", "dialogue": "I'm getting out here." }, { "id": 1175, "line_number": 25, "character": { "id": 5, "first_name": "Susan", "last_name": "Foster", "full_name": "Susan Foster" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "All right. Goodnight, Alan.", "dialogue": "All right. Goodnight, Alan." }, { "id": 1176, "line_number": 26, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "This country.", "dialogue": "This country." } ] }, { "id": 78, "title": "Alan is at Radio Norwich, finishing his morning show. Dave Clifton begins his breakfast show and teases Alan about his run-in with the police", "order_in_episode": 18, "image_url": null, "lines": [ { "id": 1177, "line_number": 1, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": "to his listeners", "text": "That was The Police with \"Do Do Do, Da Da Da\", their gibberish classic. And my tribute to Her Majesty's Police. It's nearly seven o'clock, this is Dave Clifton.", "dialogue": "That was The Police with \"Do Do Do, Da Da Da\", their gibberish classic. And my tribute to Her Majesty's Police. It's nearly seven o'clock, this is Dave Clifton." }, { "id": 1178, "line_number": 2, "character": { "id": 4, "first_name": "Dave", "last_name": "Clifton", "full_name": "Dave Clifton" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Yes, indeed, good morning. My name's Dave Clifton, and there goes Alan Partridge — cone, but not forgotten. Are you off to see a film like \"Cone-an the Barbarian\"?", "dialogue": "Yes, indeed, good morning. My name's Dave Clifton, and there goes Alan Partridge — cone, but not forgotten. Are you off to see a film like \"Cone-an the Barbarian\"?" }, { "id": 1179, "line_number": 3, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Yeah, yeah, good one.", "dialogue": "Yeah, yeah, good one." }, { "id": 1180, "line_number": 4, "character": { "id": 4, "first_name": "Dave", "last_name": "Clifton", "full_name": "Dave Clifton" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "And then watch a bit of TV, like \"Cone Dancing\".", "dialogue": "And then watch a bit of TV, like \"Cone Dancing\"." }, { "id": 1181, "line_number": 5, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Yeah. Not so good, but fine.", "dialogue": "Yeah. Not so good, but fine." }, { "id": 1182, "line_number": 6, "character": { "id": 4, "first_name": "Dave", "last_name": "Clifton", "full_name": "Dave Clifton" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Oh come on Alan, what's the matter with you? Cone you take a joke?", "dialogue": "Oh come on Alan, what's the matter with you? Cone you take a joke?" }, { "id": 1183, "line_number": 7, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Oh, fuck off!", "dialogue": "Oh, fuck off!" }, { "id": 1184, "line_number": 8, "character": { "id": 4, "first_name": "Dave", "last_name": "Clifton", "full_name": "Dave Clifton" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Actually, I am speechless. Dave Clifton is actually speechless. I don't believe you just said that.", "dialogue": "Actually, I am speechless. Dave Clifton is actually speechless. I don't believe you just said that." }, { "id": 1185, "line_number": 9, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "You don't sound it, I wish you were.", "dialogue": "You don't sound it, I wish you were." }, { "id": 1186, "line_number": 10, "character": { "id": 4, "first_name": "Dave", "last_name": "Clifton", "full_name": "Dave Clifton" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "I am. I really don't know what to say. I find it really difficult to find the words…", "dialogue": "I am. I really don't know what to say. I find it really difficult to find the words…" }, { "id": 1187, "line_number": 11, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Try saying nothing!", "dialogue": "Try saying nothing!" }, { "id": 1188, "line_number": 12, "character": { "id": 4, "first_name": "Dave", "last_name": "Clifton", "full_name": "Dave Clifton" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "You and I both know that dead air is a crime. And I think it's terrible that you have to fill it with swearing on your show.", "dialogue": "You and I both know that dead air is a crime. And I think it's terrible that you have to fill it with swearing on your show." }, { "id": 1189, "line_number": 13, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Unfortunately, Dave, you are bang wrong. It's one minute past seven. It's your show. You're responsible for the output. I'm technically a guest and you failed to control me. Read the small print in your cone-tract.", "dialogue": "Unfortunately, Dave, you are bang wrong. It's one minute past seven. It's your show. You're responsible for the output. I'm technically a guest and you failed to control me. Read the small print in your cone-tract." }, { "id": 1190, "line_number": 14, "character": { "id": 4, "first_name": "Dave", "last_name": "Clifton", "full_name": "Dave Clifton" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "From Go West…", "dialogue": "From Go West…" }, { "id": 1191, "line_number": 15, "character": { "id": 1, "first_name": "Alan", "last_name": "Partridge", "full_name": "Alan Partridge" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "Fannies!", "dialogue": "Fannies!" }, { "id": 1192, "line_number": 16, "character": { "id": 4, "first_name": "Dave", "last_name": "Clifton", "full_name": "Dave Clifton" }, "custom_character_name": null, "text": "This is \"Call Me\".", "dialogue": "This is \"Call Me\"." } ] } ], "links": { "self": "https://alanpartridgescripts.co.uk/api/v1/episodes/im-alan-partridge/series-1/episode-4-basic-alan", "web": "https://alanpartridgescripts.co.uk/im-alan-partridge/series-1/episode-4-basic-alan" } } }