Episode 2 — Alan Attraction

Alan to his listeners : Hmmm, a nice big thick slice, of Thin Lizzy! That was for my tireless PA, Lynn, 50, who is as diligent and hard-working creature as ever graced this world we call… Earth. It's 4.39 AM. Time to run yourself a big bath, it's Chris Rea!

Alan: OK! There will be no telephone Cluedo today because of the threat of a court injunction from the makers of Cluedo! It's 6:58 AM.

Alan: That kissing sound isn't someone kissing me, or kissing a cock. It's simply .. A cockerel, I mean. It's simply a way of saying it's Valentines Day! A day upon which Mr Al Capone ruined a romantic night out for many diners by massacring them. Died of syphilis he did. So err, there is some justice. Anyway, time for me now to hand over to a man who will hopefully not be massacring anyone this evening, or indeed killing them with syphilis, is [Alan's best French accent] monsieur David Clifton.

Dave: Ahh! Bonjour monsieur Par-tridge! Comment allez vous, monsieur?

Alan: Yeah, well, whatever. Did you get any valentines cards this morning?

Dave: Actually Alan, I have to say, I came down this morning and I couldn't open my door.

Alan: Lose your key?

Dave: I couldn't open my door, because I'd lost my key.

Alan: Yeah, well, I did just say that. Anyway, Chocolate Oranges…

Dave: Ok, it's 7AM, and we've got a good show lined up for you this morning…

Alan: Do you like chocolate?

Dave: Pardon?

Alan: Do you like chocolate?

Dave: Yeah, love it!

Alan: I've really got to say this, Dave…

Dave: Yeah?

Alan: Erm, Chocolate Oranges are available from Rawlinsons. That's all.

Dave: Oh, yeah. It's 7AM, and first of all, we've got China Crisis.

Alan: Morning.

Ben: All right.

Alan: Sorry?

Ben: Good morning.

Alan: That's the one.

Alan to Susan : Susan, is he new?

Susan: Yes, he started yesterday.

Alan: He just said "Good morning" with his back to me.

Susan: He's OK!

Alan: No, it's just I've never seen that done before!

Alan: Anyway, happy Valentines day, how are you?

Susan: Oh I'm a bit tired. I need my beauty sleep.

Alan: You don't need beauty sleep. Well, forty winks. Did you get the chocolate orange?

Susan: Yes, thank you.

Alan: Good. You might find some superficial to the box, but the chocolate is perfectly edible. I give them to all ladies I know aged fifty and under. Over fifty just seems sarcastic.

Susan: Well, I'm afraid I need to watch my figure.

Alan: I'll watch it for you! Through my little binoculars, whooo! Mind you I can't talk. I've got a fat back.

Susan: What's that?

Alan: It's a build-up of fatty deposits, just above the belt line. It's fairly well concealed in casual clothing, but you don't want to see me in my underpants!

Alan to Sophie : Sophie, did you get your chocolate orange?

Sophie: Yeah.

Alan: I got you dark chocolate one because I know you don't like milk.

Sophie: I do like milk chocolate.

Alan: Oh right. Well, I could exchange it. I could talk to my chocolate people.

Sophie: Yes, please.

Alan: Have you tampered with the wrapping?

Sophie: No, but there is a bit of superficial damage to the box.

Alan: Don't worry about the damage, they're all damaged. Have you kept it below room temperature?

Sophie: I don't think so.

Alan: Right. In that case, I'm afraid you've invalidated the warranty. Above room temperature, it all congeals into one big dark chocolate cricket ball. So I'm afraid consumer rights no longer apply. I mean, you could try "Watchdog", but I think they've got bigger fish to fry.

Ben: Excuse me are you Alan Partridge?

Alan [Looking all smug] : Yeeee-eees.

Ben: You dropped this, your ID card, Radio Norwich?

Alan: Oh right, thanks. All right?

Ben: Good morning!

Alan to Sophie : Actually, Sophie, there is an issue I've been meaning to raise for the last two weeks. You know those little soaps you leave in the shower room? Well, they will withstand at best, one aggressive body scrub. They start of the size of mini Frisbees and end up like actual-size Paracetamol.

Sophie: Can't you use two?

Alan: I suppose that might work [Alan mimics washing himself in the shower]

Sophie: I'll just write that down [Sophie turns her back to Alan and starts laughing]

Alan: Right.

Susan: Hello Alan.

Alan: Hello, Susan. [Alan notices Sophie with her back to him] Have I upset her?

Susan: No, she's fine. Alan, did you send Sophie a Valentines card this morning?

Alan: Oh god no, no. I'm old enough to be her father, well her older brother. Either way, it's incest.

Susan: Ben? Did you send Sophie a Velentines card?

Ben: Well, I'm not at liberty to divulge that information.

Alan to Susan and Sophie : You know, the fact that he made that jokey remark doesn't necessarily mean he sent you the card.

Sophie: Did you send it?

Alan: No, I sent you a chocolate orange, but I had the decency to admit it.

Susan: Come on, Alan, it's just a bit of fun.

Alan: A lie is a lie.

Sophie: Your PA's here.

Alan: Oh, hello, Lynn. Shall we grab a pew?

Lynn: Thanks for my dedication this morning, very nice.

Alan: You're welcome. You realise it was nothing to do with Valentine's Day?

Lynn: Oh, yes.

Alan: What have you got for me?

Lynn: Do you want to hear the good news or that bad news?

Alan: The good news?

Lynn: Well Rawlinson's have said you can have another fifty of the shop-soiled Chocolate Oranges if you plug them again tomorrow.

Alan: Excellent, and the bad news?

Lynn: The accountants say that since you've definitely not got a second series from the BBC you are going to have to sack everyone at Pear Tree Productions and close the office down. Otherwise they're gonna declare you bankrupt on Friday.

Alan: Still, good news about the Chocolate Oranges.

Lynn: Now, Alan, you are going to have to trade down your Rover 800 for a smaller car.

Alan: Go on.

Lynn: I picked up these brochures for the new Metro. It's, it's a lovely car.

Alan: Lynn, I'm not driving a Mini Metro.

Lynn: But you do have to make substantial savings.

Alan: Lynn, I'm not driving a Mini Metro.

Lynn: But if you do, you can keep Pear Tree Productions going with a skeleton staff of two…

Alan: There's no point finishing the sentence Lynn because I'm not driving a Mini Metro.

Lynn: But if you…

Alan: Lynn, I'll just speak over you. Go on, try and finish the sentence and see what I do. Go on!

Alan: [Lynn attempts to finish her sentence and Alan speaks over her] I'm not driving a Mini Metro, I'm not driving a Mini Metro, I'm not driving a Mini Metro!

Lynn: No, no it's different. It's called a Rover Metro now.

Alan: They've re-badged it you fool!

Lynn: Well, Alan, if you want a Rover 200 you're going to have to sack everyone at Pear Tree Productions.

Alan: Fine.

Lynn: Including Jill.

Alan: Jill… Lovely Jill. She's my favourite… But fine, I'll sack her. You smiled then, Lynn.

Lynn: No I didn't.

Alan: Yes, you did. I can read you like a book, and not a very good book. Certainly not Bravo Two Zero by Andy McNab. Which actually improves with every read. You smiled because you don't like Jill because she's younger than you.

Lynn: No she's not, she's fifty.

Alan: So's Helen Mirren.

Lynn: So's Benjamin Netanyahu.

Alan: You're always going on about Benjamin Netanyahu. Let it go Lynn you're never going to meet him. Right, I'm going to get a spot of breakfast. Oh, quick tip, Lynn. You know the breakfast buffet? Eat as much as you like but from an eight-inch plate? See that? [Shows Lynn his big plate] Twelve inches… Keep it in my room. [Lynn walks off, unimpressed] See you later!

Michael: Aye-aye Mr Partridge! Mornin'. Valentine's Day today, eh? Love is in the air.

Alan: It's Valentine's Day today, and love is in the air?

Michael: Aye, aye!

Alan: I'm getting the hang of this. Mind you I have been here ten weeks.

Michael: So, are we having the full English breakfast?

Alan: Can I have my sausages burnt to a crisp please? So they can only be identified by reference to their dental records.

Michael: Ok! Either that or their finger prints eh?

Alan: Can you fingerprint a sausage?

Michael: Well, I suppose technically you could, aye!

Alan: Suppose I was a burglar and I wanted to avoid detection I could strap sausages to my fingers. Probably survive a couple of break in's before it started to fall apart.

Michael: Aye. Maybe just have like a beef burger for your palm, you know.

Alan: No, that's a bit too farfetched. I do enjoy these chats of a morning. [Michael walks off and Alan gets his big plate out] Eighteen 'til I die, I'm gonna be eighteen 'til I die.

Alan: Morning, everyone. Morning, Jill.

Jill: Aww, thanks for the chocolate orange, Alan.

Alan: You're welcome. Did you notice anything about the box?

Jill: No.

Alan: Exactly. All the others had superficial damage. I paid for yours. All your segments are intact.

Jill: Well, they were when I looked this morning.

Martin: Alan, have we got a second series?

Alan: Yes! [Everyone in the office is pleased and hug each other]

Bill: I'll go and get some champagne, shall I?

Alan: Actually, Bill, sparkling wine will be fine.

Bill: Whatever.

Jill: I'll get some crisps and things.

Alan: Actually, Jill, a pipe of Pringles will suffice.

Jill: Unless there's anything else you fancy?

Alan: Eeeeeer! No, just a pipe of Pringles, fine. [Alan looks over at Lynn, she isn't impressed]

Alan: Would you like me to lap dance for you? [Tony shows Alan a ten pound note] I want a second series.

Tony: I like your thong.

Alan: Yeah, it's Vulcanised Rubber, which means it won't perish.

Jason: Way-hey!

Alan: Bash your arse!

Alison: Any more news, Alan?

Alan: Err no, just said, second series in the bag, you're all on board, details to follow. And, who left this coffee cup here?

Jason: Sorry, Alan. I meant to clean it last night.

Alan: Well that's not good enough. You're sacked!

Jason: What?

Alan: I will not have uncleansed coffee cups in Pear Tree Productions. The plague started from a mal-attended surface.

Peter: What are you doing, Alan?

Alan: You're sacked, too.

Peter: Why?

Alan: Because you do this all the time [tut's]. See you did it again, you're definitely sacked!

Alan: Now, Alison. You are a lady and I don't want this to be unpleasant.

Alison: Are you sacking me as well?

Alan: Yes I am

Alison: You rotten shit!

Alan: You're a rotten shit, too. Get your coat!

Alan: [To Lynn, handing her the keys] Go, go, go, go, go, go. Start the car.

Alan [Over the telephone speaker system] : Hello, it's Alan again. I've locked you all in the boardroom so you don't get me. You can leave via the fire escape. I haven't got a second series, I just didn't have the guts to say that earlier. It's a bit like doing my radio show this, isn't it? You're listening to "Up with the Partridge. A-haa". Bye!

Alan: Ahh, hello, Jill.

Jill: Why is the door locked?

Alan: To keep you out, you thief!

Jill: What?

Alan: I'm being light-hearted. Shoot your chuff thought that door.

Jill: Right, I've got the Pringles, and that's for you [Hands Alan a Lion Bar]. Where's everybody else?

Alan: They've gone to… Long Stanton Spice Museum.

Jill: Why?

Alan: I said "Congratulations, you've got a second series. We can't celebrate with the Spice Girls, so why not get your arses down to the Spice Museum in Long Stanton?". I mean you know, it's not just spices. It's all about the spice trade. They've got a model of a slave boat. It's very big and you press a button and hear all the slaves going "uurrrrggh". Because they've packed them in too tight. [At this point, Alan has closed the door over and he is peering through a tight gap talking to Jill] Err listen, Jill. I really like you, but…

Jill: I like you as well.

Alan: Oh, thanks!

Jill: You're packed in a bit tight!

Alan: Listen. Just to clear something up. You know when you make those risqué comments, are you just flirting in that sort of crude way that middle-aged divorcees do. Or do you genuinely like me, sex-wise?

Jill: Well, you know. You're a man, I'm a woman.

Alan: That's a relief. Your mind plays tricks.

Jill: You're quite successful, you've got a second series.

Alan: Carry on.

Jill: You've got needs.

Alan: Yes I have.

Jill: I've got needs.

Alan: Good. Jill, is the answer to my original question, "Do you like me sex-wise", is the answer to that yes or no? Quickly?

Jill: Yeah.

Alan: I'm Batman!

Alan: Lion Bar?

Jill: No, I prefer fingers.

Alan: Chocolate ones?

Jill: Don't mind really.

Alan: Woooah! Jill, you are SO dirty! It's quite refreshing! You call a spade a spade. Actually, you'd probably call it a big tool wouldn't you!

Jill: So what are we going to do together then? Norwich is our oyster.

Alan: Jill, do you like owls?

Jill: They're quite nice I suppose, yeah.

Alan: I know a cracking owl sanctuary. How about it? Unless you can think of anything better?

Jill: We could go shopping?

[An owl squawks]

Alan: I like the AstroTurf they place on the wood there. It's basically zero-maintenance grass. Useful stuff. You know when I used to see you in reception, you know what I used to think?

Jill: No?

Alan: I used to think, "Ooooooh, she's nicer than my wife!"

Jill: What! That's terrible! That's a terrible thing to say, Alan. [Alan stands with his legs apart, leans back and blows a raspberry] You're mad you are!

Alan: Ahh, I know I am a bit mad. Arrrrggh! [Jill shrieks, Alan looks over to some people who perhaps think Jill is distressed] It's all right. No, it's all right. I was just portraying a mad man.

Alan: That all looks a bit like Death Row, doesn't it. I'm sorry Mr Hawk, your pardon has been turned down. You have been found guilty of… premeditated homicide of a mouse, and you will be hanged by the neck until dead. And don't try to hover up so that the rope goes slack. They could do that, couldn't they? If you tried to hang a hawk, they could always hover so the rope went slack. So, I suppose if you are going to execute a bird of prey, the most humane way would be death by firing squad.

Alan: That is the best Valentine's Day I have had in eight years.

Jill: What did you do eight years ago?

Alan: Just had a better one.

Jill: What did you do?

Alan: Went to Silverstone, shook Jackie Stewarts hand. Superb! My marriage fell apart soon after that.

Alan: Listen Jill, there is a romantic buffet-supper at the hotel tonight. As much as you can eat for six pounds. I've got a scam going to a big plate! Do you err, do you fancy being my co-eater lady?

Jill: Ohh! Yeah, Alan. I'd like that Alan, yeah.

Alan: Listen to this, it'll blow your socks off! [Gaudete by Steeleye Span begins playing]

Alan: …"Est Natus! Ex Maria Virginae, Gaudete!"

Alan: [Cleaning his plate] Just give that a quick clean. Saves me doing it later.

Ben: Bonsoir! Would you like to buy a rose for the lady? It's £2 for Norwich Children's Hospital.

Alan: I've already done something for them. I did an after-dinner with Bill Oddie.

Ben [Handing rose to Jill] : Viola!

Jill: Aww. Thank you, Alan, that's really lovely.

Alan: Keep it, keep it. You can always get me something of equivalent value, a pint of bitter, a big maker pen, whatever.

Michael: Have you'se all done, maybe like to order a dessert?

Jill: I'll have, chocolate mouse.

Alan: [Michael clears the table and grabs Alan's big plate] Ohh, leave that there.

Michael: Two chocolate mouses, on its way.

Alan: Just going over there for a bit. [Heads over to the band to serenade Jill with a song] This is a romantic tribute, to a lovely lady over there, with orange hair, and a cigarette in her mouth. 'Why do birds, suddenly appear'… That's too high… 'Every time… you are near'… 'near'…'Just like, just like me… close to you'… 'Why do… why do'. No, that's not working. OK, well you get the general idea anyway. Thank you.

Jill: That's great actually. I didn't know you could sing.

Alan: I used to be in the choir at primary school. Before it all dropped. In my pre-hair days.

Jill: It's all fallen into place now though 'an it?

Alan: Yep, I've been pubic for 31 years. I was on of the first in my class.

Michael: Shift out the way. Here you go, two chocolate mousses.

Jill: Ahh, thank you. I love chocolate.

Alan: Yeah, so do I.

Jill: Wispas.

Alan: Aeros.

Jill: Ripples.

Alan: Flakes.

Jill: Caramac

Alan: It's good this isn't it? Even though we're basically just listing chocolate bars. Oh my god, Lynn's here. Lynn, what are you doing here?

Lynn: Alan, more good news. I managed to negotiate a walnut gearknob for your smaller Rover.

Alan: And you've come all the way out here to tell me about a walnut gearknob?

Lynn: Yes, well I've been ringing you all day, but your mobile was switched off.

Alan: Lynn, if my mobile was switched off, it's switched off for a reason. I was at an own sanctuary. I was worried that the ringing might have sounded like a mating call. I can't have a bird trying to have sex with my phone. Why are you wearing that snazzy cardigan?

Lynn: I just threw it on.

Alan: If you think you can upstage Jill by wearing that, you are very much mistaken. But thanks very much for the gearknob, and goodnight.

Lynn to Jill : We're in the same area. I wondered if you'd like to take a taxi back with me. You know, make a saving?

Jill: Well…

Alan: No, Jill will be sleeping with me tonight.

Jill: I don't recall saying that.

Alan: Oh come on.

Jill: Yeah, all right then.

Lynn: Have a good night then.

Alan: I will. [Lynn walks off] I'll go and get another half bottle of champagne.

Jill: Yeah, go on then. [Lynn walks back and hands Jill a canister of fungal foot powder]

Lynn: Could you give this to Alan, it's fungal foot powder. Now, he's got a condition so make sure he rubs it in his feet last thing at night and first thing in the morning. Only it just gets a little bit… smelly. [Lynn leaves again]

Alan: [Walks back with some champagne] They've got some goats cheese over there. They've left it out for a couple of hours, so it's had a chance to breath. [Alan spots the fungal foot powder] Oh she remembered, great.

Jill: Why don't we take these to your room?

Alan: My room. It's over there by the lifts. You link my arm we'll try and leave with some dignity. [Alan and Jill head out of the restaurant, Alan grabs his big plate. They both head to Alan's room, waling past reception]

Michael: Night night Mr Partridge.

Alan: Night.

Michael: And your good lady.

Jill: Michael.

Ben and Sophie : Goodnight.

Alan: Goodnight.

Jill: Goodnight.

Susan: Goodnight.

Alan: Night.

Susan: Got your big plate Alan?

Alan: Yeee-ees.

Alan: [Emerges from the bathroom in his dressing gown] I wouldn't go in there for a bit, leave it about fifteen. Leave it about fifteen minutes.

Alan: I must say, I'm tremendously excited by all this.

Jill: My sisters' got this bed linen.

Alan: Oh yeah? Does she live in a Travel Tavern?

Jill: No she'd like to it's nice init?

Alan: No, it's a bloody nightmare. [Alan places some money on the bed-side cabinet]

Jill: Is that for me Alan?

Alan: That? Oh god no! No, I always put my money there of an evening. If it was you could add a zero to that. Seven pounds six, you know.

Jill: Seventy quid?

Alan: Well, no. Double it.

Jill: It's still cheap.

Alan: I'm not haggling! I was trying to pay you a compliment. Unless I've grossly misread the situation. It was my understanding in the lift that no money would change hands.

Jill: I'm all yours!

Alan: Err. D'you mind if I turn the light out?

Jill: Well can't you just dim it a bit?

Alan: Yeah, ok. Bit more. Bit more. How's that? [Light is completely turned off]

Jill: Yeah that'll do.

Alan: Right. Let battle commence!

Alan: Do you like me doing that? Shall I do it more quickly or shall I maintain the same speed.

Jill: That's fine.

Alan: Right, shall I move onto the other one?

Alan: Oh, that's lovely. That's first class. That is superb! Oh, there you go it's all happening. Jill, I'm afraid I have no sheaths.

Jill: No what?

Alan: Sheaths. Err, prophylactics. You know, 'Rubber Johnnies'. Actually, being your age and everything there's probably no need for them. I'm talking about the menopau… oooh Jill you know your onions!Do you mind if I talk? It helps me keep the wolf from the door so to speak.Jill, what do you think of the pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre? I'll be honest; I'm dead against it. People forget traders need access to Diiiiixons. They do say it will help people on Wheeeeeeeelchairs.

Jill: Hang on, I've got an idea.

Alan: Jill, what are you doing? For God's sake Jill, what are you doing? Jill! For God's sake!

Jill: I just thought I'd pour chocolate mousse all over you.

Alan: You've got it on the bed sheets, you've got it on my dressing gown. You've got it on the valance.

Jill: On the what?

Alan: The skirt thing round the side of the bed.

Jill: I thought it'd be erotic.

Alan: Oh Jill! Mousse from a bowl is very nice, but to put it on a person is demented!

Jill: Come on, it's only a bit of chocolate.

Alan: It may be chocolate to you, Jill, but to an unwitting member of staff this could look like some sort of dirty protest against the standard of service in the hotel, which I happen to think is very good. I mean, it's not five-star, but it's certainly competitive.

Alan: [Hears a knock at the door] Oh god. [Opens the door] Yes?

Michael: Is everything alright Mr Partridge, I heard a bit of a commotion.

Alan: No no, it's fine.

Michael: Oh right. Erm. D'you know you've got chocolate on your face?

Alan: Yeah. I've just been eating some mousse.

Michael: Oh, right right. Fine. Aye, well you've missed a bit.

Alan: Deal with it later.

Michael: Hey, it reminds me of this time you know, we camouflaged ourselves up 'cause we were doing jungle exercises out in Belize

Alan: Micheal, can we talk about this in the morning?

Michael: Err, well no I won't be on in the morning 'cause I'm dee'ing lates now right. So I don't come on 'til aboot two o'clock, so, you know.

Alan: Well you know, 'When de booa-t comes in'. Now bugger off.

Michael: Ok! Message understood sir!

Alan: Stand down, at ease. You're not in the army any more.

Announcer: Across the Ouse to the Waveney. This is Radio Norwich.

Alan to his listeners : And now it's time for 'Alan's Love Bud'. This is a story of a woman, fifty. And a chap in his early forties. This woman enraptured this man. Made him feel sixteen again. He thought "I'm gonna wear a t-shirt with Crowded House written on the front of it". He thought "Yes, I will buy that copy of Punch magazine". But then, she committed a gross act upon his person, which was tantamount to vandalism. But he realised that not only must they part company, but that he must also sack her from her job as his receptionist. I didn't mention that earlier but part of the problem was that she did work for him and he had to sack her anyway. Anyway, he thanks her for that stolen afternoon. But even that it was stolen, it's not your property love, You've got to give it back. So just to re-emphasize one more time. Her contract HAS been terminated. This is 'Hot Chocolate', It Started With A Kiss. [Song starts]. Three minutes time I'll be talking to Norfolk's youngest butcher! [Alan starts singing] It started with a kiss! Never thought it would come to this. Started with a kiss! Never thought it would come to this. [Chorus begins, he misses the first few lyrics] DO YOU! You don't remember me DO YOU! [The lyrics pause but Alan thinks he's singing the next part correctly] You don't remember me DO YOU! Oh.